This is a short story I found while sorting through my secondary school English books, from when I was around twelve or thirteen years old. It made me laugh!
Planet Earth thinks it’s seen it all. Massive tripods zapping it to bits, a ginormous gorilla ripping through New York. But oh no.
There is one thing it hasn’t experienced. Prepare yourself for the apocalypse of… INVASION OF THE KILLER BABIES!!!!!!!
WARNING! Some of the things that happen in this story have no explanation, e.g. a radiator may fly through the air and knock someone flying; there may be no mention of where the radiator originated from. You have been warned…
At first it was just an ordinary day. Luke’s alarm went off at seven, but he got up at quarter-past. He got dressed slowly and, when he was finished, looked at his clock, which to his horror read half-past seven. He sprinted into the dining room, shovelled down his breakfast, cleaned his teeth and ran out of his house shouting a goodbye to his mum who, predictably, was still in bed.
Luke just caught the bus because an old woman had dropped her coppers everywhere. When the bus finally started trundling down the road, Luke’s thoughts turned to his dad. He had left Luke and his mother to research UFO prevention, and they hadn’t heard from him since. The reason Luke was thinking about his father was because of a dream he’d had last night. He and his dad were running, with explosions all around them. His dad was shielding him with his arms, assuring him everything would be alright…
“WHAAAT THE —!”
A comet-like object had plummeted to Earth a few metres in front of the bus, and the driver had just swerved clear of the smouldering wreck. Fortunately no one had been hurt, but something told Luke it wasn’t going to stay that way.
People piled out of the bus to see what had happened, and the smoke began to clear. In the ashes sat a group of babies, crying and bawling. The crowd sighed, and moved forward to help them. But Luke hung back in anticipation, sensing impending danger…
He was right. The nearest baby’s features changed from pathetic and defenceless to deranged and psychotic, as it drew a stick of dynamite from its nappy. The baby lit it, then lobbed it at the crowd.
When it exploded, everyone was sent flying, including Luke; even though he didn’t get the worst of the blast, he was knocked off his feet and smacked back onto the pavement. For the first time in his life, he saw stars. As soon as he stumbled to his feet, he looked for somewhere to run. But to his horror, he saw one of the babies aiming a shotgun at his head…
Sweat poured down Luke’s face as he watched the baby’s finger tighten on the trigger. Any second, it would be pulled, and it would be all over…
The trigger had been pulled, and the bullet fired, but it hadn’t hit Luke. Just in time, a man had rugby tackled the baby, and was currently wrestling with it. The baby showed surprising strength, but the man wrested the gun from its grip and pointed it at the baby’s head; this bullet found its target. The baby let out a piercing scream and shrivelled up. Luke started to move forward to inspect the withered baby.
“WAIT!” shouted the man. Luke could hear the fear in his voice.
Suddenly, a tentacled blob came flying from the destroyed baby straight at the man. He had lightning-fast reactions. Out of nowhere, he had a blue sword in his hand. He slashed at the UFO, and it fell limply to the ground. The blue sword disappeared, and the man sat heavily on the pavement next to Luke.
“Thanks,” Luke gasped, “you saved my life.
“No problem,” the man replied. He was panting heavily. His encounter with the baby had obviously taken its toll.
During he feud, Luke hadn’t been able to see the man properly, seeing as he had been moving so fast. He had blue eyes and brown, emo-style hair, and looked about average height for someone his age. Even though he couldn’t put his finger on it, Luke thought there was something familiar about him. Luke pushed this from his mind, as he had about a million questions to ask the man.
“Wh-what were those things?”
The man was deep in thought. Finally he answered: “Aliens.”
“Where did they come from?”
It was clear Luke wasn’t getting anywhere fast. Just as he was about to leave, thought he didn’t particularly know where to, the man seemed to make a decision.
“You’re coming with me.”
“Yeah. And you’ll be needing this.”
He threw a metal handle to Luke, who flicked a switch on it. A blue blade appeared on the handle. Luke was amazed; he’d often dreamt of having a lightsabre. But little did he know, things were about to become a lot more like Start Wars…
Luke still had one last burning question.
“Who are you?”
The man sighed and bowed his head. Eventually he asked,
“When did you last see your dad?”
Luke was bewildered at this.
“When I was five, I think.”
“No,” the man looked up and said:
“I am your father!”
The story so far…
One day Luke, who was a totally ordinary boy, was on the bus to school. Halfway there, a comet landed. From it emerged killer babies, who destroyed everything in sight. This was about to happen to Luke, but then a mysterious man saved him. He gave Luke a lightsabre (tee-hee!) and later told him he was his FATHER! Can this be true…?
Luke’s mind was spinning out of control. How could this guy be his father? But deep down, Luke knew it was true. His dad had gone to work with UFO prevention, and Luke had just been given a weapon for this very purpose.
An explosion right next to Luke brought him back down to earth, and sent him flying trough the air. More comets were falling to Earth. Explosions all around; but this was no dream.
“MOVE!” his Dad shouted.
As Luke started to run, a comet struck exactly where he had been standing. As he looked around, more comets fell, and the infestation of babies grew. They were now toppling buildings and shooting shooting down planes that had come to counter their havoc.
“We need to get to my work,” Luke’s dad said, “there’s a weapon there that can stop all this.”
“Well how are we going to get there?!” yelled Luke, indicating the wreckage and infants surrounding them.
“I gave you a lightsabre: use it.”
Luke and his dad set off, cutting down all babies in sight. Luke would have enjoyed himself if it wasn’t a life-or-death situation.
After a lot of chopping, hacking, slashing and stabbing, they arrived at a derelict building. The only strange thing about it was that it had a red button on its wall that said, ‘ONLY PRESS IN EMERGENCIES.’
“This is certainly an emergency.” Luke’s dad punched it.
Nothing happened. Luke’s heart thudded as he considered the inevitable. Years of disappointment welled up inside him. His father had failed him and his mother, and today was no different. He stared at the forlorn figure in front of him, which became the object of his hatred.
“It’s over:” these words formed on his tongue.
Then it happened; thousands of missiles came out of nowhere and exploded the babies.
Luke stood there with his mouth hanging open. He looked at his dad, who was smiling. He started smiling as well, and at the same time they shouted: