On ginger nuts

“I want to take a stance ’cause we are not free

And then I thought about it, we are not “we”

Am I on the outside looking in, or am I in the inside looking out?”

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (White Privilege II)

These lyrics are dancing at the forefront of my mind, but whether they have any relevance to the following information is yet to be seen.

Hello 2018, I hope you’re nice, although I can never believe that whimsical positivity about a date change can prevail against the historical proof of human weakness and failure. But it’s true, since the new year, I have been assessing many of my fundamental values. This is the start of a list, with no definite end, and an unclear order of priorities –

1. I like tea

2. I like ginger nuts

3. I like dunking ginger nuts in tea

4. Ginger nuts are the best biscuit to dunk in tea

Point number four was contended by an outrageous claim in a family quiz that fig biscuits were in fact superior. This has since been debunked as a fact, and labelled “fake news” by all other parties present.

While on the topic, one measurable lifestyle change is that my controlled intake of four ginger nuts per day has mysteriously been redefined as four ginger nuts per cup of tea. While remaining delicious, this throws in question which of my other strong disciplines will unravel. I’m still committed to refraining from dancing on public transport, for the greater good.

Moving from sustenance to another major aspect of my existence; the arts, and more specifically film. Early on in the year, I realised an over indulgence in martial arts movies was weakening my grip on reality, and also distorting my perception of how the laws of physics actually work. Several brutal thrillers later, a sharp increase in how frequently I checked the doors at night was noted. While there is no scientific record, estimates land at an average of “around ten checks per night, maybe more if the subject were to fully admit his subconscious terror.” A temporary balance has been restored, by only viewing movies rated 12 or below, or with spontaneous singing.

5. Ninjutsu is beyond

6. I am not beyond the control of gravity

7. If the door was locked, and I haven’t unlocked it, it is still locked


I wish I could say I’m working towards a logical conclusion, but unfortunately you’re catching my brain at the peak of its processing power, and also its helplessness. All this is the result of an epiphany I had almost two months ago, which was the realisation that a career in music therapy may be the next best step. This gave rise to an unfamiliar element to my life: purpose.

Since the start of my degree, I’ve always felt distinctly uncomfortable in my native environment, meaning I’ve not belonged in the place I’ve spent the most time. So my goal has never been what I’ve been physically doing, but what I’ve been spiritually seeking: a constant, Holyspirit shower.

But now my destination is situated somewhere removed from the immediate present, or his presence. It has physical form, which changes my brain chemistry, and more significantly, the chemistry of my relationship with Jesus. Is it acceptable to find satisfaction in a dream, or is that too far removed from him? It’s the most diabolically metaphorical love triangle imaginable.

Now my life is beginning to resemble a cliche, and my eternal dental floss has just run out after six months of use (I was convinced it was being replenished supernaturally). I’m slowly beginning to question my previous approach to his presence. Was there ever a “me and him”, where there was enough separation for the concept of an “I” without “another”? Or was it always “we”, with his spirit inextricable from my life, regardless of my focus or desires?

“I want to take a stance ’cause we are not free.

And then I thought about it, we are not “we”.

Am I on the outside looking in, or am I in the inside looking out?”

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