On ginger nuts

“I want to take a stance ’cause we are not free

And then I thought about it, we are not “we”

Am I on the outside looking in, or am I in the inside looking out?”

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (White Privilege II)

These lyrics are dancing at the forefront of my mind, but whether they have any relevance to the following information is yet to be seen.

Hello 2018, I hope you’re nice, although I can never believe that whimsical positivity about a date change can prevail against the historical proof of human weakness and failure. But it’s true, since the new year, I have been assessing many of my fundamental values. This is the start of a list, with no definite end, and an unclear order of priorities –

1. I like tea

2. I like ginger nuts

3. I like dunking ginger nuts in tea

4. Ginger nuts are the best biscuit to dunk in tea

Point number four was contended by an outrageous claim in a family quiz that fig biscuits were in fact superior. This has since been debunked as a fact, and labelled “fake news” by all other parties present.

While on the topic, one measurable lifestyle change is that my controlled intake of four ginger nuts per day has mysteriously been redefined as four ginger nuts per cup of tea. While remaining delicious, this throws in question which of my other strong disciplines will unravel. I’m still committed to refraining from dancing on public transport, for the greater good.

Moving from sustenance to another major aspect of my existence; the arts, and more specifically film. Early on in the year, I realised an over indulgence in martial arts movies was weakening my grip on reality, and also distorting my perception of how the laws of physics actually work. Several brutal thrillers later, a sharp increase in how frequently I checked the doors at night was noted. While there is no scientific record, estimates land at an average of “around ten checks per night, maybe more if the subject were to fully admit his subconscious terror.” A temporary balance has been restored, by only viewing movies rated 12 or below, or with spontaneous singing.

5. Ninjutsu is beyond

6. I am not beyond the control of gravity

7. If the door was locked, and I haven’t unlocked it, it is still locked

8. GET IN BED YOU DAMN FOOL

I wish I could say I’m working towards a logical conclusion, but unfortunately you’re catching my brain at the peak of its processing power, and also its helplessness. All this is the result of an epiphany I had almost two months ago, which was the realisation that a career in music therapy may be the next best step. This gave rise to an unfamiliar element to my life: purpose.

Since the start of my degree, I’ve always felt distinctly uncomfortable in my native environment, meaning I’ve not belonged in the place I’ve spent the most time. So my goal has never been what I’ve been physically doing, but what I’ve been spiritually seeking: a constant, Holyspirit shower.

But now my destination is situated somewhere removed from the immediate present, or his presence. It has physical form, which changes my brain chemistry, and more significantly, the chemistry of my relationship with Jesus. Is it acceptable to find satisfaction in a dream, or is that too far removed from him? It’s the most diabolically metaphorical love triangle imaginable.

Now my life is beginning to resemble a cliche, and my eternal dental floss has just run out after six months of use (I was convinced it was being replenished supernaturally). I’m slowly beginning to question my previous approach to his presence. Was there ever a “me and him”, where there was enough separation for the concept of an “I” without “another”? Or was it always “we”, with his spirit inextricable from my life, regardless of my focus or desires?

“I want to take a stance ’cause we are not free.

And then I thought about it, we are not “we”.

Am I on the outside looking in, or am I in the inside looking out?”

October 24th (yes Thor)

I had to go to morning prayers this morning, having unwittingly agreed to lead them: yay. With a broken piano and guitar, someone really didn’t want worship to happen, but he spirit prevailed. Then a talk about dealing with negative emotion, featuring a few obscure bible verses and half-baked theology to prop up my political agenda.

After cleaning, I said an unexpected hello to the sun, before heading to Costa again to continue my expedition into Lamentations. Normally in the Old Testament, God’s busy killing nations opposed to the Israelites, but this time there’s no racial discrimination; strange. Then the long-awaited conversation with Gethin, about psychology, intelligence, and the overarching wisdom of anime.

Double cinema time, first with Thor: Ragnarok. Please can I spend my life running around, trailblazing lightning? If the vacancy of hammer god is open, I’ll gladly take it. Hephaestus may contend that, but don’t know if I can supporting merging mythologies. Broke my year long Subway fast. Waiting for the twelve-year old buzz to return, but think it’s gone forever. Then watched The Party. Cillian Murphy has been intoxicating in every role I’ve seen.

October 17th (ninja way)

I wouldn’t normally opt to spend a day inside when it’s sunny, but normal rules and restraints go out of the window where ninjas are involved. Went to the cinema to watch the Ninjago movie; the Lord was speaking. All the Lego films somehow manage to be ridiculous and poignant simultaneously. After a brief lunch break, I watched Loving Vincent, an animated film made up entirely of paintings. One of the most extraordinary films I’ve ever watched.

Cleaned afterwards, feeling slightly weird. Think was a combo of the exhilarating Van Gogh visuals, and a lack of lunchtime caffeine. Great conditions to deliver a talk to the students on helping poor and vulnerable people, then. My love for coronation chicken has undone me. I feel like I’m going to give birth, but in which direction, I’m not sure.

October 10th (spirit of autumn)

Had a driving lesson this morning, and decided to read Lamentations while waiting. Some intense acrostic poems going on there. After an hour of completely losing myself in road networks, I did some cleaning, this time accompanied by the glory of silence. Sure I met the spirit animal of autumn in Hillsborough Park afterwards, which led to much gleeful kicking of piles of leaves, and trying to capture their brilliance in slo-mo video.

Watched Blade Runner 2049 tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sequel emulate an original so successfully, to the extent it extends the subject content beyond the expected. Both films are very episodic, with nice amounts of time spent on atmosphere.