Enjoyed observing the aesthetic on the walk to work. The placement of every tree, underpass, building and pavement is very fascinating. There is a strange comfort in the predictability that when I turn a corner, the same journey lies ahead as the day before.
Work was surprisingly manageable, with only a sustainable level of kitchen madness reached. Although my meditative, outdoor break time was defiled by a guy from the café next door talking to me. The walk back was like a mystical, ritual cleansing. When it’s raining heavily, it’s really fulfilling to get drenched when it doesn’t matter. These are the extremes I live; sweat in front of a grill, drown in a deluge.
Fairly standard day at work, sauntering around like a cat. I shaved my legs yesterday to see what girls are always on about, and I feel fabulous. Although worrying in hindsight whether I should have waited for sheep shearing season to be more aligned with the natural order.
Random Holyspirit bombs dropping at a random social at church tonight, which featured sang Swedish prayer, and also a sustained level of restlessness from my direction, in constant longing of reclaiming my evening in the sake of dark reflection.
Wondering if the Father wants to know me, rather than randomly turn up in a glory shower. Was thinking about the tides and rainfall, how we can predict their patterns, but never the singular occurrence of waves, or the condensation of individual droplets. Should I treat Holyspirit’s moves likewise, and take them as they come, or consciously seek them? It will rain, but God is sovereign, and praying will make it more likely, if nothing else.
Really appreciated Chi King this morning. Focused less on the timings and more on being; felt much more beneficial. The legacy of coronation chicken was carried into today’s sandwiches, and shall certainly endure for several more days, leading to a double intake of raisins. Also resentfully assumed the responsibility of bailiff for my personal finances. I hope one day I will have a clear idea of my cash flow.
Work was refreshingly quite today. The kitchen playlist dabbled in Thelonious Monk, before submitting to the inevitable Michael Jackson. My bladder mastered the hidden art of needing to be emptied just before a rush of orders came in. Completely unintentional, but great for a little selfish respite from not very much stress.
I had low-level, irrational anxiety about my hair’s cleanliness, so had to wash it, breaking my weekly cycle. Sorry Mother Earth for needlessly releasing chemicals into your belly. Then the evening took an episodic turn, with a music rehearsal that was uncannily similar to the last one.
I wouldn’t normally opt to spend a day inside when it’s sunny, but normal rules and restraints go out of the window where ninjas are involved. Went to the cinema to watch the Ninjago movie; the Lord was speaking. All the Lego films somehow manage to be ridiculous and poignant simultaneously. After a brief lunch break, I watched Loving Vincent, an animated film made up entirely of paintings. One of the most extraordinary films I’ve ever watched.
Cleaned afterwards, feeling slightly weird. Think was a combo of the exhilarating Van Gogh visuals, and a lack of lunchtime caffeine. Great conditions to deliver a talk to the students on helping poor and vulnerable people, then. My love for coronation chicken has undone me. I feel like I’m going to give birth, but in which direction, I’m not sure.
After my weekly, Monday lie-in, I occupied myself with a mixture of exercising, watching Cowboy Bebop, and eating food at such times that didn’t fall under the labels of breakfast, brunch or lunch. Such dissolution of structure. Then headed off to teach piano. One lesson contained improvised songs, which were simultaneously dissonant, hilarious and profound.
In between all this was the traditional Costa trip, now appearing on a Monday time slot instead of Wednesday. The dishwasher was broken, so automatically decided to purchase a reusable mug instead of using a disposable one, in an irresistible reflex against environmental destruction. Didn’t reach any new, spiritual highs, but dealt with a lot of life admin.
Dramatic windy times on Bole Hills with mixed feelings: should I have exercised my right to the last possible shorts day in 2017? I’ll have to wait fifty years to find out if I’ve caused damage to my kneecaps. The pizza fast was broken at the evening work social, and then cocktails for the first time in my life; I love alcohol.
All I can say is this life is probably very entertaining for a spectator, but looks like a car crash from my point of view. Actually, not really sure what I think or feel. My self-awareness has reached an all time low, which is strangely liberating. So completely unaware of my own desires; what I want, and what I think I should want. Time to step out of the introspective and selfish spiral.
All I know is that I was sorely tempted to have a second cup of coffee today, and only an enormous amount of self-control, and the disinclination towards an extra five toilet trips stopped me. For the first time in my life, wine seemed like the solution, but my descent into alcoholism has been reserved for another day. Ran from my confusion into a glory cloud, which inadvertently generated more confusion.
Lately, Fridays have assumed the structure of spending almost all my waking hours in a kitchen, and today was no exception. It felt like I’d lived a lifetime at work; then I checked my watch, and it was only two o’clock. How? Why? By what reasoning? Such fundamental questions as to who doles out the passage of time.
My digestive system has become quite reliant on curry, and is in disarray when without it, instead of the usual opposite. I enjoy starting and completing the entire process of cooking, listening to my own music, and with no interruptions. Carried on with the glory soundtracks afterwards. I don’t know if the music teaches me what to think, gives my mind permission to realise itself, or both. Was lying on my bed with the Father, trying to work out where I’m going wrong, and ended up receiving his loving embrace.
Worked today, fairly standard. It brings me great peace when table 5 is available for my lunch break, although a screaming child didn’t nurture the initial atmosphere. The mysterious afternoon upset stomach retuned for a second day, with no identifiable stimuli. I thought my mind and body were totally in sync? Apparently not.
Relaxed after a shower listening to Muse; heavy space rock is always great for the nerves. Then randomly invented a worship song on piano while playing. Just finishing some lyrics, with as much Exodus imagery as possible. Then went to Restore prayer thing, which I found surprisingly engaging. Yay prayer.
Had a driving lesson this morning, and decided to read Lamentations while waiting. Some intense acrostic poems going on there. After an hour of completely losing myself in road networks, I did some cleaning, this time accompanied by the glory of silence. Sure I met the spirit animal of autumn in Hillsborough Park afterwards, which led to much gleeful kicking of piles of leaves, and trying to capture their brilliance in slo-mo video.
Watched Blade Runner 2049 tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sequel emulate an original so successfully, to the extent it extends the subject content beyond the expected. Both films are very episodic, with nice amounts of time spent on atmosphere.
It was time for Pilates to be resurrected into my normal routine. Since starting Chi Kung, I’ve fallen into exercise snobbery, believing it to be the final word on all things core strength. But I think this dynamic duo is the way to release random, morning back ache. Cue a mission into the loft to reattain my Pilates ring, an operation involving many risky manoeuvres. After risking lifelong spine damage for short term benefits, I later realised I didn’t even need to use it. But I live for that buzz.
Usual Monday floating ensued, drifting between piano lessons and extended coffee stops. Wondering if it’s possible to build a spirituality based entirely on encounter, without the need to behave, manage time, or “live well”. Jesus is definitely there, in the deep and shallow, with or without people, in eternal, defining moments, and everyday working and waiting. “For from him and through him and for him are all things.”