October 20th (waiting for the rain)

Fairly standard day at work, sauntering around like a cat. I shaved my legs yesterday to see what girls are always on about, and I feel fabulous. Although worrying in hindsight whether I should have waited for sheep shearing season to be more aligned with the natural order.

Random Holyspirit bombs dropping at a random social at church tonight, which featured sang Swedish prayer, and also a sustained level of restlessness from my direction, in constant longing of reclaiming my evening in the sake of dark reflection.

Wondering if the Father wants to know me, rather than randomly turn up in a glory shower. Was thinking about the tides and rainfall, how we can predict their patterns, but never the singular occurrence of waves, or the condensation of individual droplets. Should I treat Holyspirit’s moves likewise, and take them as they come, or consciously seek them? It will rain, but God is sovereign, and praying will make it more likely, if nothing else.

October 19th (snorlax)

Reached new heights of productivity today, or alternatively, flabbergasting lows. Spent the whole day moving around the house in a bright green, Snorlax t-shirt, wondering when my life would magically change. There was the pleasing news that BT finally realised that I was telling the truth on the phone, and didn’t owe ninety pounds for internet I’d never used. Everything would work much more smoothly if everyone believed what I said to be absolute fact.

Accidentally drank myself into a Holyspirit moment while having my peppermint tea. Then it ended, so I continued lamenting the fact I wasn’t constantly in a glory cloud. Even an emergency excursion into John’s gospel didn’t work, but I have decided that Jess Glynne’s debut album is more anointed than most contemporary, worship music. Now left with that horrible feeling that Jesus is there, but my levels of activity-based distraction are slightly too high to engage.

October 18th (episodes)

Really appreciated Chi King this morning. Focused less on the timings and more on being; felt much more beneficial. The legacy of coronation chicken was carried into today’s sandwiches, and shall certainly endure for several more days, leading to a double intake of raisins. Also resentfully assumed the responsibility of bailiff for my personal finances. I hope one day I will have a clear idea of my cash flow.

Work was refreshingly quite today. The kitchen playlist dabbled in Thelonious Monk, before submitting to the inevitable Michael Jackson. My bladder mastered the hidden art of needing to be emptied just before a rush of orders came in. Completely unintentional, but great for a little selfish respite from not very much stress.

I had low-level, irrational anxiety about my hair’s cleanliness, so had to wash it, breaking my weekly cycle. Sorry Mother Earth for needlessly releasing chemicals into your belly. Then the evening took an episodic turn, with a music rehearsal that was uncannily similar to the last one.

October 15th (truth of his presence)

Actually enjoyed church quite a bit this morning, with being able to play piano and extend my megalomaniacal creativity. However, socialising was absolutely not an option afterwards; time needed to be invested in recuperating the nature energy. Didn’t get much time as the sun went in, but it’s so beneficial to be in an environment that’s neutral to any person, organisation or expectation, and have the freedom to assess what I actually feel.

I realise that we’re often told to prioritise our own desires to bring us satisfaction. But when we value heart over head, this can lead us to reject any negative emotion. Holyspirit was telling me that the truth of his presence is undeniable, and beyond any feeling. It’s time to stop focusing on perceived reality above what’s known and proven. We love to live for the unexpected, the unknown and the buzz, but this can’t take the place of common sense, or what needs to be achieved. It says in Proverbs, “Out in the open wisdom calls aloud.” The everyday doesn’t need to be boring.

October 14th (hello, it’s me)

All I can say is this life is probably very entertaining for a spectator, but looks like a car crash from my point of view. Actually, not really sure what I think or feel. My self-awareness has reached an all time low, which is strangely liberating. So completely unaware of my own desires; what I want, and what I think I should want. Time to step out of the introspective and selfish spiral.

All I know is that I was sorely tempted to have a second cup of coffee today, and only an enormous amount of self-control, and the disinclination towards an extra five toilet trips stopped me. For the first time in my life, wine seemed like the solution, but my descent into alcoholism has been reserved for another day. Ran from my confusion into a glory cloud, which inadvertently generated more confusion.

October 13th (patterns)

Lately, Fridays have assumed the structure of spending almost all my waking hours in a kitchen, and today was no exception. It felt like I’d lived a lifetime at work; then I checked my watch, and it was only two o’clock. How? Why? By what reasoning? Such fundamental questions as to who doles out the passage of time.

My digestive system has become quite reliant on curry, and is in disarray when without it, instead of the usual opposite. I enjoy starting and completing the entire process of cooking, listening to my own music, and with no interruptions. Carried on with the glory soundtracks afterwards. I don’t know if the music teaches me what to think, gives my mind permission to realise itself, or both. Was lying on my bed with the Father, trying to work out where I’m going wrong, and ended up receiving his loving embrace.

October 11th (no common theme)

Worked today, fairly standard. It brings me great peace when table 5 is available for my lunch break, although a screaming child didn’t nurture the initial atmosphere. The mysterious afternoon upset stomach retuned for a second day, with no identifiable stimuli. I thought my mind and body were totally in sync? Apparently not.

Relaxed after a shower listening to Muse; heavy space rock is always great for the nerves. Then randomly invented a worship song on piano while playing. Just finishing some lyrics, with as much Exodus imagery as possible. Then went to Restore prayer thing, which I found surprisingly engaging. Yay prayer.

October 9th (working and waiting)

It was time for Pilates to be resurrected into my normal routine. Since starting Chi Kung, I’ve fallen into exercise snobbery, believing it to be the final word on all things core strength. But I think this dynamic duo is the way to release random, morning back ache. Cue a mission into the loft to reattain my Pilates ring, an operation involving many risky manoeuvres. After risking lifelong spine damage for short term benefits, I later realised I didn’t even need to use it. But I live for that buzz.

Usual Monday floating ensued, drifting between piano lessons and extended coffee stops. Wondering if it’s possible to build a spirituality based entirely on encounter, without the need to behave, manage time, or “live well”. Jesus is definitely there, in the deep and shallow, with or without people, in eternal, defining moments, and everyday working and waiting. “For from him and through him and for him are all things.”

October 8th (planes of emotion)

Another joyous trip to church today, unleashing the bass and backing vocal skills upon an unsuspecting congregation. Then a lunch trip with e visiting grandparents. In my head I had a pub in the perfect location, but upon arrival, it turned out said food establishment had become a posh carvery. It was lovely though, and had great general chat about life and how not to scream during sermons.

My trip to the newly discovered, barren wasteland of nature energy was plagued by an irritating puppy. Got some Vitamin D though. Completed rewatching Naruto vs Pain; beautiful animation. Deep into the evening, finally reached a state of tangible worship. I’m hovering and skirting on the edge of some new plane of emotion that I’ve no idea how to navigate. Really getting into Bleach, so maybe this will pick up the self-awareness revelation where Naruto left off.

October 7th (mystery)

Suffice to say that it work was a standard Saturday, with all the drama and potential of heart failure included. Coffee o’clock was delayed by one hour, an event which went unnoticed by everyone but myself, but could have borne catastrophic results.

After completing the weekly cycle of rebirth that comes with washing my hair, and all other positive emotions, I listened to Feeder’s Comfort in Sound album. So refreshing to experience music in and of itself. Interesting conversations at tea, with the fact that Slimming World list eating bread as a “sin” being fundamentally unbiblical. Carried on reading John afterwards; continually drawn into the mystery of who Jesus was. Who knows?